Haven’t been around in a while. I hate when sites make you sign in every couple weeks or so, or if you don’t sign in for a couple days they make you re-enter your shit. I don’t have the patience for all that crap. So, I don’t come here for a couple days, then it wants my password, then it’s just too much bother to go search my email to get my last password. I’m sure somewhere around here is the place where I can change it to my own custom password, but again, it ain’t like I got all day to be clicking around (actually I do have all day to be clicking around).

In other news: I got a kitten. Squee! He’s so cute. I named him Frazzle McHavok. I’d say he’s sweet, but he’s only sweet when he’s sleeping. When awake he is usually destroying something, which is better than when he takes flying leaps at my head in an attempt to subdue my ponytail. I’m hoping he calms down a bit once his balls are gone. My older cat is adjusting well. He spent a week on top of the fridge, in his favorite hidey-spot, and now he’s to the point of loving to play with the kitty. They run and jump and make general fools of themselves. The older cat doesn’t like me watching, and if he catches me doing so he immediately stops playing and adopts an attitude of “I wasn’t playing with that dumb kitty, no matter what you think you saw.”

I’ll post a vid in a bit.

Yes? Well, try this handy little kit:

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Dating:

If you are dating a woman and you have not yet seen her naked, don’t tell her she has a good/great/nice body. Telling a woman that you like her body when you have only seen it covered will only make her think she has been able to fool you so far, and she may try to forever hide it from you, even after you have become intimate. Constrain yourself to complimenting the parts of her you can see, the skin, eyes, lips, the smile, hair, legs, arms, - and compliment things that aren’t appearence related - her laugh, her smarts, her voice, her aesthetic taste…. Then when the moment of revealing teh naked finally comes around, react with delight at every new part of her you see. A lustful gaze at the body with a sly smile and a breathless, “Wow.” is all that’s required.

Teh Sex:

When using your hand on a woman, always use your middle three fingers on the clit. Aiming your lower palm (nearer the wrist) to land against her pubic bone will let your fingers rest over her clit, and with all three fingers, you’ll be sure not to miss the right area.

You know that the clit is the most sensitive area, but what about penetration? What do women like/dislike about that? You may be surprised to hear that most vaginas are only four inches in length, and the first inch and a half or so of it has approximately 90 percent of the nerve endings. If you are using your fingers on the vagina, concentrate more on that first 1 1/2 inches, and lean towards using girth (width, diameter, whatever. im not a math major fer chrissakes) to stimulate her instead of using length…. Don’t bother putting 1 finger way in, your finger isn’t wide enough to stimulate the opening 1 1/2 inches, and there aren’t any nerves further up, so she feels nothing up there.

If you do put your fingers way in, don’t flick or push on the little round bally thing you feel. It’s not the g’spot, it’s the cervix, and we DO NOT LIKE THAT. If we are squirming when you do that, it’s not from pleasure.

When The Honeymoon is Over:

If your woman asks, “Do I look fat in these jeans?” You should take a look and say, “Rowr! All I know is - if that’s fat, I like it!”

If your woman is getting ready, maybe you’re both going to a party, and she is fiddling and fiddling with her hair, and she says something like, “Ack! My hair looks ridiculous! It’s a hideous mess!” It is imperative to first determine, either through looking or by asking her, where the offending area of hair is. Once you locate it, look concerned and somewhat undecided and say, “Hmmmm, well, … if it starts going too crazy and looking really stupid at the party, I’ll let you know.”

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Since I am so wonderful, and since you probably idolize me, and want to follow every single thing I say and think, I thought I would make your day and share some of my various wise internet postings with you! If you haven’t already fainted from grateful joy, take a calming breath, because below you will find some examples of the glory that is me. 

Not Me: It won’t matter, because the people who do those things don’t ever listen. If a person is really a sociopath, they just don’t have the capacity to feel any empathy, it’s impossible for them to put themselves in the victims shoes. That’s what stops us from all being heartless killers, that we understand what it would be like to be a victim…

Me: They could put themselves in the victim’s shoes it they really wanted to, even if the shoes are way too small, they could squish their feet in there. Duh. It’s not like the dead people need shoes anymore anyway, you know? :/

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On Pitching Fits/Venting/Complaining:

Me: Really, I think pitching a fit is fun for everyone involved. The fit pitcher gets to yell, the fit catcher gets a good story to tell about the crazy bitch who pitched a fit, and onlookers get a little impromptu entertainment. Best part, is if you pitch a fit in public, and storm out the door, everyone still in the place is brought closer by having experienced your outburst. They make eye contact and say stuff like, “wow, she was mad” and chuckle. Bang, you’ve just created community bonding among a bunch of strangers in some store, and that’s just good karma.

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On advice column commenters:

Not Me: To all the posters so far.
Sanctimonious. Definition. Look it up please.

Me: Hey! What gives? Why you wanna ruin all our fun? :(   - We know what sanctimonious means, that is why we are here. Duh. It’s an advice column, irresistably tailor-made for us sanctimonious types. Not only do we get to play “I woulda done it different” with the letter writers, but we also get to play “I woulda given different advice” too. Be thankful that at least we’re not out there foisting our ill-concieved sanctimonous opinions on the public at large.

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After a long, involved discussion in the WaPo Ask Amy comments section:

Me: First, I just want to say I don’t mean to attack or jump down throats… I just get all riled up sometimes, somehow sometimes the love I mean to send along with my words doesn’t come thru that well… but I do offer in my defense that I had summed up by using the word frazzled. My point being that frazzled is an awesome word.

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On Commercials

 Me: (…) friggin Electrolux commercials with Kelly Ripa… She flits around her kitchen and her house happy as a clam because using all the electrolux appliances helps her to be the mostest perfectest sweetest mommiest mommy ever! But it’s so totally unacheivable… nowhere in these ads do we see the dishes that she actually cooked the perfectly presented food in, Nothing piled up in the sink, no stray utensils on the countertop, we see her spooning pudding or some such nonsense, but the entire counter is spotless. not a single paper towel, or pudding box, or anything… I guess they just forgot to film the parts where a crew of 10 prep people actually prepared the food and then cleaned the surfaces. If I had a crew of 10 helping me out I could be the bestest mommiest mommy ever too, and I don’t even have kids. :/ … I get especially pissed at the slogan “You Can Be Even More Amazing!” Great, like I need that kind of pressure.

 

I understand if you are too overwhelmed with ecstasy to comment.

Well, I spent the last few days transferring an old VHS tape to DVD, then putting it in my ‘puter, then editing it up all purdy like. This is from “Klondike & Snow”, a somewhat old PBS documentary about twin polar bears abandoned by their mother and then raised by the staff at the Denver Zoo.

It’s such a great program, PBS still airs it occasionally, usually during pledge drives. 3 years ago when I bought my copy, it was only available on VHS and was damn near impossible to find… now it’s finally been released on DVD and you can buy yourself a copy from Rocky Mountain PBS.

You could also head over to Orlando and visit Klondike & Snow in person in the Wild Arctic habitat at SeaWorld.

The music is \”Garden of Simple\” by Ani Difranco ; if you’re cool, you’ll listen to it.

I’d been noticing lately how sexist the Twix commercials are, so I googled a bit, watched some of their commercials on youtube and then went to check out www.twix.com. I really wish I hadn’t.

First off, the latest Twix ad campaign, with commercials telling us to eat a Twix bar “When you need a moment to chew it over” is not only offensive to women, but men as well. Apparently Twix thinks that men are either too stupid to think of the proper things to say, or they are manipulative jerks who need twix-time to plan their next lie. Most of the men I know are neither stupid nor blatantly manipulative liars. Yet Twix commercials would have me believe they are.

Just in case you can’t recall any of these commercials, I’ll refresh your memory….

There is the one with an African American couple, where the woman asks her hubby if her booty looks fat in the jeans she is wearing. Apparently the man thinks that it does but doesn’t want to tell her, instead he shoves a twix bar into his mouth and mumbles something unintelligible. His woman apparently understands that the noise he is making is a compliment, and she squeals with delight.

There is the one with the two guys in the bookstore reading “How To Score A Mega-Hottie” when an attractive acquaintance of one of the men appears. She’s apparently offended at the title of the book and exclaims, “What are you reading?”. Her male friend eats a twix as he searches for the right response. Turns out that the right response is to pretend he didn’t realize what the book was about. He turns to his friend and exclaims “Dude, what ARE you reading?!”. The woman is so enamored of the honorable fellow that she agrees to go have a cup of coffee with him.

Then there is the latest one, it takes place at what seems to be a party, where two young singles are chatting. The woman is saying how politicians suck, and the man nods until she pauses, where he blurts out, “You want to come to my apartment?”. She huffs and says, “What kind of girl do you think I am?”. He sees that he has committed an error and stalls to get his bearings by taking a bite of Twix. The Twix inspires him to do some ‘Tom-Sawyer-when-he’s-painting-the-fence-reverse-psychology’ type trickery, where he basically says to the girl, “Oh sorry, I thought you really cared about the world and would want to blog about injustices, but if…” she interrupts when she hears the word blog, “Oh blogging! I love blogging! Let’s go!”

It was bad enough that Twix portrays both men and women as idiots; showing men too stupid to respond appropriately, and showing women so gullible that they don’t notice the obvious consternation of the men as they formulate lies; but when I visited twix.com I realized that it was way more fucked up than I thought.

Twix.com features a longer version of the latest commercial I described above, but they made it interactive so that when the man can’t decide what to do next, you choose his next action.

Let me break the choices down for you:

The first choice is after the fellow’s “Wanna come to my apartment” gaffe. We can tell him to “BE SHALLOW” or “BE DEEP”. Shallow apparently equals honest, because if you choose that option he goofily tells her that he thinks she is sexy, very sexy. Naturally, she slaps him and leaves. If you choose to ‘be deep’ he pulls the reverse psychology trick and, naturally, she falls for it and starts to leave with him.

The second obstacle is when the woman bumps into another male friend on the way out. She invites the friend to come along, and we’re given the choice to either “BE MEAN TO BRUCE” or “KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS”. Being mean, like being shallow, equals honest, and that option makes our man confess that he doesn’t want Bruce to come along. Bruce gets his feelings hurt, and starts to whine and cry. The girl feels bad for him, calls the Twixguy a jerk or something, and tells him to get lost. Choosing “Kill him with kindness” gets Bruce assaulted; we are shown that the right thing to do is act nice and shake hands, but squeeze so hard that you injure the other person. Now, with a sore hand, Bruce says he can’t go, instead he will get some ice for his hand. The woman, oblivious to the violent power play that took place right in front of her, agrees with Twixguy that it’s too bad Bruce can’t come after all, and they head out the door.

The third choice happens outside, where the woman runs into another “acquaintance”, this time it’s her ex-lover Francois, who snottily says she looks so sad and that it must be because she misses him. She is just too stupid-shocked to think of a response and looks helplessly at her new Friend the Twixguy for help. Here we can choose “GET INVOLVED” or “DON’T GET INVOLVED”. Not getting involved results in Twixguy shrugging and saying, “Oh this is awkward.” The woman is upset at that, and ends up ditching twixguy and desperately running after Francois. If we choose to get involved, Twixguy emotionally wounds Francois with the stinging rejoinder “Uh, maybe it’s your stupid hat that she misses.” Grateful, our girl proudly clutches Twixguy’s arm as Francois slinks off, shamefully removing his beret.

Finally, Twixguy gets her back to his crappy studio apartment, where it becomes obvious that he doesn’t have a computer. Ever-oblivious, the female asks, “So where do we log on?”. Again, we get to decide what happens, either “BE HONEST” or “CONTINUE THE CHARADE”. At this point, I really thought the correct option was to be honest. I thought there would be a moral to this tale, but I was wrong; being honest gets the man tazed. On the other hand, continuing the charade by pretending that he has been burgled gets our man sympathy and, we are led to believe, some sex.

Ok, them’s are the facts. My reaction, of course, is that Twix sucks. What in the fuck are you thinking? Who is the marketing genius that came up with this campaign? The Twixguy in this little interactive adventure is as close to a textbook example of an acquaintance rapist as I’ve ever seen. I wonder, if eating a twix wasn’t able to help him lie and scheme for sex, would he instead be using roofies? No, actually, I don’t wonder that, it’s plainly obvious that he would.

So, to sum up… Twix:

1. Doesn’t understand that many African American men prefer women with a nice booty

2. Doesn’t understand that many African American women are proud of their big bootys

3. Offers an instructional interactive video for aspiring date-rapists.

4. Believes that men are stupid and slow.

5. Believes that women are ridiculously idiotic,

——-a) so idiotic that we can’t tell when a man is actively struggling to concoct a lie.

——-b) so idiotic that we will follow a man we just met to his apartment if given the chance to blog.

6. Likes to rely on the time-tested comedic gold of stereotyping gay guys (Bruce) and french dudes (Francois).

Just yuck, Twix. You used to be sweet, but now you’re just bitter, and not in the Happy way, but in the mean way. Do you really think men in their 20’s are the target demographic for chocolate? I can only assume that some ad agency researched and learned that men in their 20’s don’t buy Twix, and they convinced you that you needed to spend some big bucks on commercials to win over that demographic. Guess what though? Men don’t eat a lot of chocolate. Some do, but they won’t make a special trip to the store just to get some the way women do. Your stupid ads aren’t going to convince men to buy Twix bars, but they will piss off and alienate the loyal women who have been buying your product for years. Way To Go.

My fella then informed me that he personally has a couple terabytes worth of porn.

No, I’m not freaked out about that… I dig porn myself… when I first got on the internet, years ago, I hoarded a bit of porn myself. It didn’t take long for me to realize though that the porn wasn’t really going to go away, so there wasn’t any point in saving it (except for that one seriously nasty vid I had one time… I’ve never found it again, even my fella doesn’t have it in his 2 terabyte collection, I miss that vid). Plus, once I’ve seen a depraved exhibition of… depravity… it’s not likely to be forgotten, so future replays are done in my imagination, where I can improve it.

What I learned though, is that the main reason hard drive’s have such a high capacity is pretty much just for men’s porn. It’s not that women don’t watch porn, it’s just that we don’t need to keep it forever.

I made this little video for a great song by Hamell on Trial called “Coulter’s Snatch”

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Just so we can stick it to companies like Shell, who’ve just reported first quarter PROFITS of 9 BILLION. Understand that’s not revenue, it’s profit. And a quarter is only 3 months. And 9 Billion is $9,000,000,000.00.

I haven’t had a car of my own in a couple years. The last time I bought gas it was under 2 bucks a gallon.

Remember about 5 or 6 years ago the idea that we should boycott gas for a day started to make the rounds? These “gas-outs” have been proposed just about every year since, with pretty much NONE of us taking part. Do I think that not purchasing gas for a single day will make a dent in the prices? NO. Do I think the gradual increase in gas prices that started mere MONTHS after the first failed boycott is a direct result of failure to take part? YES. The failure of the public to even make the slightest effort to partake only showed big oil that it could raise prices however much they wanted to. Yes by all means, ignore all those calls for “gas-outs”, keep showing Shell that you like getting bent over a barrel and reamed up your ass over and over.

Other than Gas-Outs…. hey folks…. look into your frigging busing alternatives. Seriously. I so wish that more people took the bus…. not because I’m a tree-hugger or sick of all the traffic…. but because I can see a world of opportunity in Mass Transit. Everything from local jobs created (bus drivers, mechanics, all manner of office staffing) , to manufacturing jobs (making buses). And yes, I know, buses take longer, and they don’t run often enough in many places, but that would change if more people took the damn bus. More riders = more buses = more routes = more express routes = more pick up times and locations = less traffic = faster commute on the bus and then things really get rolling and then buses start to get all pimped out and we can all ride to work in style in our own roomy, comfy, cushy new fancy bus seats.

Hate carpooling because of the pesky coworkers you might end up having to talk to? Get your superconglomeration employer to pop for a couple of shuttle buses to schedule to pick y’all up at the local “park and ride” spot. Tell the superconglomeration that it will help to cut down on lateness (it will)

Also. Electric bikes, fold up ones, to take on the bus with you for the little bit of commute you might otherwise have to walk. Easy to afford when you don’t have to pay out your freshly raped asshole for gas.

Oh and I am a small part of big oil, I lease a sliver of property to Chevron. They drill for oil. I get 50 bucks a month. Thanks for the cash America!! I’m spending it on cigarettes!!